When Sex is Dead: The Passion Killer of a Long Term Relationship

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I often receive emails from men who say that the sex in their relationship has died ... and often it died a long time ago. And normally it is said with a level of being resigned and/or with sadness. Often there is then a nagging doubt in their minds about what caused that and a feeling of guilt or shame that the passion has died off. Like they were responsible for it? They are wrong and a bad person because this happened. Or they feel guilty that they don’t feel as sexually fired up with their partner as they used to.

And then what to do with that? I feel the saddest where one or both of the partners seeks sex outside of the relationship (no problem with that) but … for me the biggest problem is that its kept as a dirty secret that is covered in denial and shame. That it is something you would never discus with your partner. It feels shameful, wrong and that your sex urges are a curse. The other alternative that I see in relationship is the that one or both of the partners move into absolute denial about their sexual energy. That they become disassociated with their body and they don’t give any attention to their body or sexuality.

What I find the saddest is that the person you love the most, the person you may have married or committed to a full time relationship, is the person that this topic remains unspoken. This breeds a lack of honesty in being able to confront or be with this this issue. I have experienced many relationships that just never speak about this topic and it remains unspoken. For me that unspoken topic, it is like the elephant in the room. It can eat away at the relationship, and certainly cause friction, frustration and that is often expressed in resentment or anger.

What I find as a contradiction, is that when we first meet someone, we fall in love, we discover we want more, we commit to a relationship and then as the passion subsides we can move into just existing with the other. And on one level that feels comfortable and reassuring because there is routine and safety in that. But on another level we feel un-met. That there is a part of us that doesn’t feel seen, accepted or played with. And what to do with that part?

In my years of experience, I think there is a fact of life around relationship. When you first meet someone, typically the fires of passion burn and you have the most passionate sex where you feel complete. The passion of lust burns long. Sex day after day, hour after hour and it feels yummy. All of you is open, in abundance and in passion and all of you is available. And then as you get to know this person more, and as you commit to this person, it can happen that sex happens less frequently … that the fire of passion starts to wane. And as you become aware of that, it can feel frustrating that your sexual energy feels un-met. Depending on your attitude to your sexual energy you are left with decisions on what to do with what … where do you go?

It can also be that you grieve the idea or the fantasy of your perfect relationship. That the idea you had of making a happy home and being in love, and lust … that it didn’t quite work out that way, and that feels sad. Why does it nor work?

Oh the curse of my Sexual Energy, why oh why was I born with this …. This curse of my sexual wanting ….. or is it?

OK, so what to do with this? Well let me make some suggestions.

Firstly, and probably the most difficult one, is “Honesty”. To have an honest discussion with your partner to express this situation. My mother always said to be as a child “shame the devil and tell the truth”. For me this means that however difficult, however hard, that always within your relationship, honesty comes first. I would also encourage you not to make either of you wrong. In that you are not wrong for where you are and your needs, and neither is your partner. For me there is a level of acceptance of each other. And a way that you can hear each other without needing to get over involved in what they are saying. That you can listen from a place of not needing to respond, but that you can hear them and just witness what they say.

Do pay attention to what goes on for you when your partner speaks. It might be that feelings of fear come up, that you are frightened that might loose this person. You may feel frightened that you will loose your security. It might be that you both love each other very much and don’t want to change that, and why should you?  

For me intimacy in a relationship is the ability to speak the truth. To not need to hide what you are feeling. Not matter how difficult, that you can be present with each other, real with other. For me that is the greatest gift of love, that you can override any feelings of shame or guilt and name what is real for you. That for me builds intimacy, and when you build intimacy it is then easy to fall back into Love (maybe not lust, but love). Love for me is easy when there is intimacy, and there is only intimacy when there is truth.

So if truth is the first part, then what are the solutions to this. Well they are many and they are varied, and the correct absolute answer is “it all depends”.

Some couples decide to invite others into the relationship to play with sexual energy. Other couples to choose to do nothing about. Some decide to take other lovers for sexual play, to express sexual energy. There then comes another very difficult topic. Jealousy! OMG what to do with the jealousy. I mean your partner with another man, meeting his needs? Would that not destroy the relationship?

For me the answer is that my relationship is to support the both of us and to enable the other to grow and experience. I am not in relationship with Ingo, my partner because I want to control him, or I want him to stay stagnant. There is a difference between Love and Fear. Sometimes we can get confused and think we are acting from a place of Love, but instead acting from a place of Fear. I would offer you this question, if you truly love your partner, I mean really truly madly deeply love your partner, why would you not want him to have pleasure, to have physical pleasure. You know how exquisite it feels, how good it feels to be met physically. Why would you deny your partner this experience.

The other possibility I know is that couples will sometimes book massage sessions with professionals. Or, they might even go to events where sensual and sexual play is part of the programme. Go to a sauna together, and either play together, or play part. There are many ways to express lust, to express passion.

The other possibility is to create sacred and loving space for each other. Like “Thursday night is our night” and that you would use that to connect with each other. Maye exchange massage, maybe sex, maybe just cuddling and loving each other.

I’m not prescribing the solution, each person and couple are different. But what I am advocating is a deep sense of honesty and truth between your partner. That this build intimacy which helps love to flourish. And in this love you explore the truth of you are, and the love of your relationship.  I only advocate being honest to yourself, to your partner and to life.

If you would like some help from me to discuss this more, I can offer sessions either face to face or can also offer them via Skype, read more about my private sessions here: - https://www.tantra4gaymen.co.uk/jason-sexual-problems   

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