My Partner Doesn't Turn Me On
&a
Quite often I get asked via e-mail about the ages of the other course participants. I get told that someone wants to fit into the group exactly. They do not want anybody older than them or anyone that is younger than them.
I get told that older people do not turn them on and they find it difficult to get into their sexual energy and that they don’t want younger guys on a course because they don’t want to feel rejected or to feel out of place.
This can feel quite a difficult subject because on one hand I know how important it can be to feel a sexual energy with someone else to help amplify the connection and ability to connect with one’s own sexual energy. However, I have also heard feedback from men who say that there partner was just too sexy and that they weren’t able to connect with the higher energy because they were too connected with the sexual energy.
I know from my tantric training that there were quite often other men who were older than me and if I was in my normal “gay” judgements, then I would have not have done even 99% of the practices that I did.
In our normal ways of operating in society, we are very visual focussed. I know that when I use gaydar, or fit lads, I can search those people and see a 1 inch photograph of the other men and accept or reject them based on this 1 inch photo.
However, we are increasingly in a society where men, where you are looking for deep and intimate connection with others. If we continue to reject others depending on how they look, then we lose the opportunity to connect with someone different, someone new that may open new doorways to how we are.
When I ask men what they look for when they are looking for a gay masseur, one of the things that ranks highest is how the masseur looks. However, if your eyes are closed for 98% of the massage, does it matter how the masseur looks? Is it not better to know how good the masseur is at connecting intuitively with your body? Knowing how to touch it correctly in that very moment. Being able to understand your body, what it needs, how it needs to be touched that can take you on a journey of deep and intimate connection with yourself.
If you focussed on how your masseur looked, you could be in danger of rejecting those qualities in a masseur that you are really looking for.
This is a dichotomy though because we are in a society that is so based on how you look. In the press, television and internet, everything is very visual. So it stands to reason that we would assess the world depending on how it looks.
I guess it comes down to what the individual is look for. If you are looking for a sexual connection then yes, I can understand how it is an important factor how the other looks.
However, firstly for me, selecting people based on how they look is not Tantra. This is sex. Tantra seeks to fuse both sexual and spiritual energy in way that opens you to a whole new perception and experience of life. In fact, the goal of Tantra is that every moment feels orgasmic. Doing the everyday chores feels orgasmic. That in some way you transcend judging the world and individuals based on how they look, because your ability to feel in love with every moment, to feel ecstatic with every moment comes from within you, not outside of you.
This is easy to say on paper but how does it work in practice. Well for me there was another trick with Tantra that I only discovered through my own tantric training. What I found was that when I was able to put aside my judgements (and believe me they were loud to begin with), I began to find that what I perceived as attractive in another was no longer based on their physical appearance, but instead their energy. I began to find that the deeper a partner of mine was able to connect with their own sexual energy, with their own tantric energy, this became a far bigger turn on for me rather than their appearance.
Let me try another explanation. Have you ever hooked up with the most physically gorgeous guy, got him home, got down to it and found that there was something missing. Maybe the way they touched you, or could not look at you, or as if sex was wrong and that it must end up in getting to ejaculation as quickly as possible. Then what you felt for them the night before, the sexual attraction is suddenly lost and you can’t wait for them to leave as soon as possible.
Yet, have their been other times when you have felt attracted to a guy, but not because of his physical appearance but because of something else. Some magic that they hold that feels deeply attractive?
In my Tantra Training I found that there were times when I felt deeply connected, deeply turned on because of the ability of the other person to connect with their energy and their ability to connect with me. There were sometimes when I had a partner that could not connect at all and sometimes the exercises were frustrating.
For me this is the spirit of Tantra. In my courses I seek to help men connect with themselves, whether that be though meditation, movement, dance, massage, energy work. I use a whole multitude of varying different practices to help men connect with themselves in the first place. Once this has been mastered, then connection with someone else that is also able to connect with themselves, this is where the ecstatic magic starts to happen. This is where the transcendence above visual judgements disappear and it can feel like that you have entered a deep, intimate, sensual dance with another that spirals the energy within you, outside of you, around you and connects you deeply into ecstatic feelings and connections. This for me is one of the foundation stones of Tantra.
So in summary, does it matter if your partner doesn’t physically turn you on? If you are able to transcend the judgements of our day to day and look for something in that person that is attractive, their energy, their ecstatic potential then for me that is where the true magic, true deep connection with other men really happens. This is for me where men are looking for real connection with another, as a mirror to a connection with themselves.
Love Jason xxx
June-10.
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